Jeff Bezos Wears Disguise To Secretly Assess Whole Foods Employees

SEATTLE—Painting green stripes across his face and crouching down at the bottom of a wooden produce crate, Jeff Bezos reportedly disguised himself as a medium-sized watermelon Wednesday in order to secretly assess Whole Foods employees.

Several reports confirmed the Amazon CEO, worth $188.9 billion, was nestled covertly in a pile of watermelons, opening his eyes briefly and scowling on several occasions before mumbling the words “too slow” and “breach of dress code” into a recording device.

According to witnesses, however, Bezos almost blew his cover on multiple occasions, once when a female customer picked up his head and started slapping it to see if it was ripe, once when he sneezed after an automatic misting system sprayed his face, and once after he bit a child who kept pointing at him and telling his mom “that melon looks weird.”

After spending upwards of five hours recording countless infractions, Bezos reportedly began to scream and loudly fire several employees after a member of the juice bar staff nearly chopped his skull in half.